Facing my fears.

I haven't been able to write in quite some time, even when I desperately needed to find my voice, the sound around me has been way to loud to even be able to think straight……....the truth is that it hasn't been an easy time for me lately. Sometimes life just doesn't seem to get on the "right track" and things can get out of hand.

I believe that if you want to make a change, you have to push yourself outside of your comfort zone. Wanting  things to change means wanting something different than what you have right now and in order to HAVE something different you NEED to do something different! So this is me, taking the first step………

One of the things that I have struggled all my life with is my appearance and body image,I cannot even remember when was the last time I didn't have to second guess myself about the way I look or had a completely good feeling about my reflection in the mirror. Four years ago when I gave birth to my beautiful son,I also started a very painful and extremely unhealthy relationship with my body, I would look at myself in the mirror – more times than I would like to recall – and say vile and nasty things to myself, things than I wouldn’t even dare say to my worst enemy. I haven't been able to get back into shape and because of it,I have completely lost myself..........it has been hard to even recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.This is an issue that I believe a lot of women go trhough and it is a terrible thing because it affects every other aspect of your life. I have allowed all these feelings to wound my most precious relationships and keep me from a more confident version of myself that I’ve always known is in there somewhere, that ME that I so desperately want my son to see and to be proud of. 

I ADORE my son, he is my everything and I could never imagine my life without him. And I love being a mother even when there are moments when I do miss certain things from my "no-mama" days, but I wouldn't change this for the world as it is only now that I know what real love is; but I  know that in order to be the kind of mother that he needs and deserves I need to come out of this spiral of harmful emotions and in order to do that I need first to accept who I am and where I stand right now, because only then I will be able to change and become a better, happier and -hopefully- wiser person, mother, wife, daughter and friend. 

So when I was presented with the opportunity to pose for a glamour/boudoir shoot with the über-talented Alex from Alex Chalkley Photography I thought “Hmmm....…this is something I could NEVER dare to do, no way!" But then a little bell started ringing in the back of my head: "This could be it! This could be my chance to do something different and scary, something to shake me and help me come out of this craziness!".

This photo shoot was a way to reclaim not only my body but also my life back and become truly proud of it. I have been going through a mental and physical struggle and transformation over the last years and the photo shoot was a way for me to honor myself and the changes my body has gone through and will probably continue to go through. The main thing it reinforced for me was that if I don’t love my body for the way that it is right now, I won’t be able to love it later no matter what I look like. 

The photo shoot was not easy, I won't lie about it, facing your fears is anything but easy, I was absolutely terrified leading up to the shoot and when I got there and I suddenly had a camera in front of me I was actually trembling.  But much to my surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed it, Alex has a way of making you feel not only comfortable and at ease, but she actually makes you feel strong and BEAUTIFUL! She has a marvelous gift: she understands you and your emotions and is able to see things in you that you didn't even know existed; she guides you in such a gentle and fun way that you end up tearing down your walls and fears and after a little while -and a few inner tears- I felt fabulous about myself and the whole experience and by the end of the photo shoot I was on cloud number nine! And then,  when I got the photographs back – that was my biggest turning point. Because in those photos, there was a girl who looked, unarguably –beautiful. Normal. Human. Curvy. Strong. Happy. At ease. There was that girl I thought I had lost forever, there was ME again…..

I know I still have a long way to go before I can be where I want to be, I still have to deal with lots of other stuff, but I am getting there; I don't know where this path is going to take me or what is going to happen tomorrow, but I know that even when life can get chaotic and crazy I AM STILL ME and I am proud of who I am, and that is something I was not able to say a week ago.  

Thank you Alex for encouraging me to take this step, thank you for your talent, your kind words, your patience and for reminding me that even when we don't always see it: we women are strong, determined, powerful and most of all BEAUTIFUL! You are not only amazingly talented but also a very caring and lovely human being! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this wonderful experience!! ♥